if you know that this is your last time talking to a person you love, you wouldn't know what to say, because words won't be enough to express everything you feel. And it feels like you wouldn't wanna stop talking, because the moment that you do stop talking, you won't be able to anymore.

But the only thing that you know for sure are your last few words to him or her, and they are "I love you".

Well, my livejournal's quite dead. And I have been lamenting my loss of self expression that I had so treasured before. I think alot of my silence had to do with fear and shame on my part. Fear that whatever I said could have been "wrong", and thus persecuted and judged for it. Also shame, that although thoughts were my own and true to myself, I didn't want my thoughts to be mine. And so because of my cowardice, I have muffled one of my most passionate and truthful part of myself. And this, I should be ashamed of. But I shouldn't be. Because books have told me that it is just a lesson, a process which is necessary. My mind believes it, my heart still numbs itself and my soul is in doubt of itself.

Here comes the obligatory disclaimer that all this is just rambling and should be ignored. But this, is up to you.

Bleargh, really. That's all I'm feeling right now. I wish things would just have remained the way it was, that I didn't break up with ina, that I'd still be able to hold her and be comfortable. But then again, I'm happy I did break up with her. It's one of the things that I'm most proud of in a long time. It was really hard for me to come to terms with my ownselfnand emotions and issues and really do what I thought was the right thing. Only thing I really regret is that I had to do it to someone I still love. I can't love her as a lover. But as a person, I love her to bits. For who she is, who she was and wants to be. I loved the times I had with her, our routines and our comfort wig each other.

Anyway I'm getting sleep so I'll just try to say what I wanted to. I know This relationship has to end sooner or later, and you're okay with that. You love on a day to day basis, and when you let go, you let go. Maybe it's not easy for you, but it looked easy. Objectively, I know that's okay. Or maybe it isn't, I dint wanna argue wad should or shouldn't be. All I wish for right now is this: that if we would hug, I wish you'd do so, so that I'd feel like holding on to each other is for our dear lives. And that you'd look like letting go of this would be harder.

Bleargh. Whatever Terrance. Goodnight.

I hope youd read this, and miss me and still feel like you need me as much as I need you. Probably pointlessly.

I love naruto. because it talks about really deep stuff, rather than just a usual evil versus good plot. Like about the nature of ninjas and hate, about how as long as ninjas exists, conflict will. And its about trying to get a paradigm shift out of it.

One thing really cool, and personal to me is the demon fox within naruto. Allows me to relate, that we have so much power inside us, but it can take over us and cause us to be destructive. Lately naruto has been trying to harness and control that power. In order to do that one must be in complete control of oneself without any hate inside him.

He's at a place called waterfall of truth, which reveals his dark self; all the hate and dark intentions, grudges etc inside of him made real. Naruto battles dark naruto but they're evenly matched, and until he can defeat him, then can he harness the full power of the kyubi demon inside of him.

Later, he has an epiphany about how to defeat dark naruto and he tries again. He doesn't use combat to defeat dark naruto, instead he uses love. Instead of denying and trying to overpower the dark side of himself, he uses love instead. He acknowledges dark naruto's existence and loves that part of himself, because that dark part IS a part of him. He chooses to believe in himself nonetheless and has faith that he will have the strength to be the hero that people depend on. And all he does is just dismiss Dark naruto like that. Naruto just hugs dark naruto and lets him go. that was enough to defeat him.

This is quite personal to me, because i have made alot of mistakes, have had bad intentions. But i've been learning not to judge myself because of them, i learnt to let go of shame, of inferiority complex. I've been trying to love myself more. And what a cooler way to see this expressed in a comic. hehe.

garghhhhh

inner demons are so hard to vanquish. i figure that this is gna be a problem that'll plague me for the rest of my life.

I'm too self critical, too judgemental of myself. And this is made worse by having a very judgemental workplace and a paranoid and critical authoratharian manager. Growing up i felt outcast, didn't quite fit in in school, and had a authoratarian brother and a missing father presence.

so most of this equaled to me having alot of anxiety about how i appear to others. and when i did something that displeased others, especially to ones i loved, i tended to have alot of exaggerated self guilt. I would deal with that guilt either by a)running away, b)convincing myself that the issue mattered less to me than it did, c)shifting blame to that the other party, d)being apologetic and appearing pitiful, e)lashing out against loved ones, which is the worst.

Btw, this is really a no holds barred reflection, a uncomfortable honest reflection. But i'm gna do it anyway.

I have a few ways which i deal with this. One is talking about it; blogging, talking to friends about it, which sometimes is enough to deal with that anxiety.

I love it when i was at andrew's party. With crazy friends whom i can be myself and as crazy as possible without fear of being judged, and with people who in fact embrace it. but then that's a luxury that i don't have now, working at a place where people like them are few and far between.

I know that i shouldn't beat myself over it. Its normal and everyone makes mistakes, but sometimes no matter what i do, i just can't get over it. well at least blogging about it helped quite abit now.. I know i should love myself more and give myself a break. i guess.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh feeling shitty now. i need love. x( kay im gna bathe then sleep. this house is empty and i feel lonely >.

She has such a big heart.. and i love how we are, a feeling i just can't describe.

I'm so addicted to you..

feeling very blessed and fortunate from the langkawi trip. even tho we only went 3 days, it felt like a week or sth, cuz we did so much and so much happened. Its quite a humbling experience, being given the chance to perform overseas, it makes me feel very priviledged. Plus, new NSFs like me don't normally get the chance to go overseas so early.

Anyway, here's what happened.

woke up 7am and got sent to airport by bro. the flight was 11am, so we lazed around for abit. It was a transit flight, so we stopped in penang before flying again to langkawi. When we landed in penang, it was quite a rough landing. It was like a loud BANG when we landed, so because of that, our transit flight was delayed like 30 mins cuz of a "technical problem".

Anyway, when we touched down at langkawi, the whole place was DAMN BRIGHT. its like the colors are larger than life. the sun was so strong, but that made the whole place feel like a paradise of sorts. It was like windows XP wallpaper kinda scenery lol. and there wasn't like a linkway from the plane into the airport, just a staircase down from the plane and we had to walk across the runway grounds into the airport, so its like some superstar private jet or sth.

inside the airport, we had MUFFINS XD

our host was jeffrey tan from the navy, lol same name as our mdc jeffrey. we went straight for rehearsal at the venue, which was the grand ballroom of some hotel (which was quite small actually). only 4 of us went there to perform, jeffrey, cindy, zarinah and me (i'm the only nsf, which made me felt quite priviledged) Anyway, sat was zarinah's birthday, and i bought a plush toy of patrick from spongebob squarepants. it was too big to put in my luggage so i put it in the props luggage. we had to rehearse, but zarinah's gift was in the props luggage, so i had to go like a corner and hide from zarinah and stuff patrick into my small bag, which became damn pouffy. So we just did a mug thru and a run there, and we got applause from the other performers, already i get a sense there was quite abit of respect for us already from the other countries.

Oh, the event was called LIMA, which stands for langkawi international maritime and aerospace exhibition, which was a congregation by USA, malaysia, phillipines, india, pakistan, Korea, thailand, indonesia, singapore and alot of other countries. very coolio, ma first time performing to such an international audience.

we then went to our hotel, which is called the frangi pani hotel. The hotel is like a chalet, each room is like a small chalet building, and we have a private beach siaaaa. One night there costs like 800 rm, which is 400 sing dollars O.O ZOMG. but mdc's paying so xDDD

at 8 ish, we started preparing for the event. Backstage after we changed into our costumes, cindy kenna hounded by pakistani guys who kept taking pictures with her.. lol. That was just a taste of what's to come. we met the phillipino performers also, who are so... phillipino lol. kinda bad to say but, they remind us of the phillipino maids in sg lol.. But they were very cheery, their costumes were yellow too, kinda cute.

We then performed our heritage medley. haha we made quite abit of boo boo, all of us, except jeffrey suprisingly, cuz during rehearsals, he kept making boo boos, but we were quite alright. come show time it was the other way round. I dropped my indian stick props lol, right before the indian part when i got on stage. and jeffrey did a leg extension which he did like a split on one leg kinda thing. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME HE DID IT! i was quite shocked lol, but that made the performance even nicer hahaha.

We had quite a loud applause, apparently we were like the favourite there. after the performance we were still in our costumes, but we went down to mingle and eat from like the food stalls of the different countries there. lol PEOPLE KEPT WANTING TO TAKE PICTURES WITH US. well more so with the girls hahahah. like every 10 secs someone would want to take pics with us. And the audience were all captains and above, i was probably the only private there, and they were all treating us like superstars or sth. I felt quite proud, damn humbled that like captains and warren officers all wanted to shake our hands, plus they were from like US, phillipine, indonesia etc. Lol oh and one amercian black dude tried to hit on zarinah, but failed miserably. Quite a few of em tried to hit on cindy and zarinah, but failllllll xP

Our singaporean general/captain/warren officer/im-not-sure-what-was-his-rank liked the performance alot, and wanted to have more performances by us. The whole thing made me very very humbled and proud at the same time.

the next day was even more fun, but i'll blog about it another time

Today was one crazy dayy.. proves that i reaaaaaallly need to start paying more attention to what i'm doing at the moment and not be spaced out all the time.

thanks babe, for being there for me =)

lol oh Twilight was super lame. wads with all that cliched slow motion running towards the camera shots? and the "i promise i will never ever hurt you and i will always protect you and love you forever" lines -.- AND WHAT'S WITH THE MOVIE AND TOPLESS GUY SCENES? the ending lagi best, "on one condition, marry me" *credits roll* zzzzz

hahahha still it was damn hilarious to watch

I wish you would feel more real sometimes.

haha damn im fascinated by christina ricci.

me and kathy were talking about kid names, then we came across wednesday as a name, which reminded us of wednesday addams from the addams family.





Dang i think she's cute. haha dunno why i'm always attracted to emo girls like that. call me a typical emo fag hahaah. Its just something about that cold, unfeeling and analytical stare, that's just numb but still compassionate in a weird way, but still has a whole reservoir of pent up emotions and love (okay that sounds sexual, but yea) Those eyes that have seen much grief, but still has that tinge of innocence.


lol damn i think wednesday's halloween costume hot. So weird of me huh?


dannggg girl, wednesday grew up and became hot. I found her familiar, like i've seen her before. I went to wiki her, and bingo! I HAVE seen her before. She acted in prozac nation which i absolutely loved.



The co-writer of the screen play said this:

"It's a truthful depiction of depression. And I think the reason Miramax has struggled is the fact that it doesn't have a traditional dramatic structure, in terms of a clear, unqualified ending. Look at the book: Elizabeth is very clear that Prozac has helped her, but you're left with a dilemma, because perhaps she no longer knows who she is. We didn't want to come down heavily on one side or the other. People who've experienced depression like that aspect of the film, but a lot of people don't like it. Miramax certainly didn't seem to like it."

I really liked how she acted in the the film, really top notch. And watching the movie just left me with a really profound feeling.. haha i haven't felt like that in awhile. Watched it quite awhile ago tho, like a year ago or sth..

anyway, kathy and i were talking baby names, then if there were 7 babies, we could name each one a day of the week. Then i found this nursery rhyme:

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day
Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

like some nursery rhymes, they have this literary quality to it that reminds me of neil gaiman hahah. definitely like this rhyme, its a little prophetic.